Upside down

When I am drowning in pain-like I am right now-I have to be intentional about bringing myself back to my baseline:
The person I want to be as I breathe my last breath.

Full of love.
Full of kindness.
Authentic.
And fuckingly unashamed.

So I employ every method I know.

Yes-writing is my first method. I'm here- where I can put my unfiltered thoughts to paper.
I don't think I will ever stop writing.

So stay close. I'm here to say what you're thinking!

Second method;

Music is for the words I cannot speak.

Pink's "All I Know So Far" is the song I play when I need to claw my way out of the "upside down." It's the lines about being dressed up in lies and left naked with the truth, about letting the walls crack so the light gets in, about staying unfiltered and loud and being proud of a skin full of scars.

It's those lyrics.
That kind truth.
A skin full of scars that someone tries to exploit! Shame on them, I'll embrace my scars and hope to give someone else the freedom to embrace theirs!

Third method;

Watching it, so I've been leaning into Ted Lasso.

If you haven't watched Ted Lasso, please do.
Jason Sudeikis said it best: "Be the change you want to see."
FUCK YES

The last ten minutes of the second-to-last episode in the entire series?!
A masterclass in grace. A reminder of what personal accountability should look like.

"I hope that either all of us, or none of us, are judged by the actions of our weakest moments, but rather, by the strength we show when, -and if-, we're ever given a second chance."

That quote wrecks me. Every time!

Because that's what I believe in.
Resilience. Grace. Growth.
Not judgment. Not shame.

I hope that during this season where hate is shouting in my ear, I can come back to my baseline!

This-this writing-saying the truths that suck, acknowledging how challenging a life of authentic awareness is how I claw my way back to my baseline.
Is it hopeful to a fault?

Maybe.

And honestly, that truth breaks my heart in so many ways.

I want to believe in unconditional love.
In authentic kindness.
In conversations that change people.

But recently, I was proven wrong.

By a friendship I held so close to my heart.

One that has hurt me beyond measure.
One that I honestly cannot see my way back to.

To You.

*If you ever find yourself here-
Know this is one of many letters I have been writing but will never send.*

You are wrong about me. And you know it.

I know who I am. You know who I am.

*You can paint me as the villain in your story.
Use my past as proof.
Make me pay-again-for mistakes I've already made peace with.*

*But you are wrong.
On so many levels. In so many ways.*

Not only in your interpretation but you missed the love, accountability and forgiveness that brought a beautiful reconciliation and a new kind of relationship.

*And I'll be honest-
I'm not sure I can, or even want to, forgive you for that.*

To all of us:
This is the moment we remember we get to choose
**Who we let in.
And who we finally leave behind.**

xoxo J